Dear Pastor,

I want to thank you for breaking open a dam for me tonight {or last night, by the time you get this}. Things have been frustratingly at odds and unsettled this week, and I had been unable to put any of it to words. {Believe it or not, there are times where even I can’t communicate!}. Instead, I would find myself unable to move and in tears, when I really didn’t want to be; and completely stoic in those times when I wanted nothing more than to cry. Even tonight at Lighthouse, when I wanted so badly to say something to someone about anything, I just couldn’t put my finger on enough of it to even begin.

Then tonight, as I climbed in my car, barely hanging on to enough voice to respond with an “I love you too”, the sounds of my favorite version of “How He loves” came on. “He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. And OH, how He loves us so. Oh how He loves us. How He loves us so.”

Those words, the deep and heartfelt cry of His child coming to a freeing revelation of His intense, passionate, unadulterated, unending love, struck me deep in the core of my being. Suddenly unaware of my afflictions that were eclipsed by glory, and oh so acutely aware of the greatness of His affections for me, I could no longer contain the sobs. I continued the hard, ugly cry, all the way back to my house.

“Yeah He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves!” As the refrain pounded in my head, it attacked even harder on my heart, chiseling away the last few pieces of the lies that had lived there for so long. “You’re not good enough to be loved. You’ll never find someone who wants you exactly how you are, who will want to spend the rest of their life serving and building a family with you. You had your chance and thought you were too good for it.”

You see, Pastor, today {and tonight especially} marks four years ago that my best friend drove me over an hour to the summer camp where Josh was working, and I told him I couldn’t be his wife. I gave back the engagement ring and - ignoring his wails - walked away, barely making it back to the front seat of the car before I too was wailing.

As He brought that scene back to my mind tonight, I couldn’t stop praising His name. While the outward, physical situation may have looked very similar, a young girl sobbing and wailing while driving down the interstate, the internal conditions could not have been more different. Four years ago, the tears were full of grief and fear and insecurity and a tiny bit of hope with a smidge of courage and reassurance. Tonight, those tears were nothing but gratitude and awe, love and power, strengthened by the knowledge of His truth. Tonight’s tears were those belonging to a very changed person.

You may be wondering how the interaction between you and me tonight spurred all of this, and rightly so. I promise, the connection is coming.

Last week, I sat at lunch with one of my dearest, most precious friends, and tried to describe my Lighthouse home and family. After we left the building itself, her excitement was tangible; conversation turned to the staff and pastors. I did my best to give her an accurate picture of both you and Pastor Kathy. She seemed to understand best when I said, “Pastor, he’s my giant, gentle, prisoner of hope, and Pastor Kathy is my fierce fighter.” We laughed and continued to talk about specifics of sermons and services that have happened lately. It was really great time, and my only regret is that she didn’t get to experience a Sunday service.

As I thought about it tonight, however, and the long list of adjectives that I used to describe you both that day, there was one that was missing. Above anything else that can be said about my favorite Holdemans, it can be said that they are the embodiment of Jesus.

I love that word, truly; to embody, to give concrete form to, express, personify, or exemplify in concrete form. It’s such an accurate description of your lives, really.

Over the last year, I have experienced that personification in the both of you as I have been encouraged to continue the race, consistently edified, and lovingly challenged to commit to the Truth. I have had the privilege of sitting under amazing teaching and preaching that has convicted me, reprimanded me, stretched me, grown me, and healed me. I have been welcomed in, and experienced the tenderness of being cared for, concerned about, and committed to. I’ve witnessed the passion that refuses to let anyone enter those doors and remain the same, as we have been led, trained, and shepherded in every sense of the word. I have seen Scripture lived out, miracles come to pass, promises fulfilled, and the Activity of God consume. In short, I have met with God and been changed.

Instance after instance of these things flash in my mind as I think of you, and pray for you, constantly grateful for the faithfulness and obedience in the big and small things alike. Philippians 1:3 has never been truer for me than when it comes to you.

It happened again tonight; as you fulfilled a very real physical need in my life, your actions and words acted as a balm on my very cracked heart and dry spirit, fulfilling an even more real spiritual need. As your words rang in my head, and His words pounded in my heart, I was reminded once again how blessed I am to have a Pastor who lives as Jesus in flesh. And I know it won’t be the last time. Thank you.

I love you both,

Megan



P.S.  {Happy Pastor Appreciation!}